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About Lisa Morstad

I'm a daughter, not a clinician or a researcher. I went ahead of you and left some notes.

I'm a daughter, not a clinician or a researcher. I am the local child, who stayed close while my siblings lived away. I have been caring for both my parents through Alzheimer's disease for thirteen-plus years. My dad passed in 2022, and I am still walking this path with my mom.

Your family may look completely different from mine. Different faith, different structure, different distance. The person you are caring for may not be family at all.

You're the expert on your people. I'm just the one who went ahead of you and left some notes.

This picture is me on one of the hardest days. I'm sharing it because this is what caregiving actually looks like: exhausted, bags under my eyes, recovering from radiation from breast cancer, coffee-stained teeth, and thirty pounds over my usual weight.

This is not one I shared on Facebook. This is one I kept, to remind myself how hard this is, and that I am still here taking it day by day.

How to Use This Guide

Start with the strategy that feels most urgent for you right now. Come back for the next one when you need it.

Caregiver Community

You don't have to figure this out alone. Connect with other caregivers walking the same road.

Power of Attorney

The most important legal step — and why you must take it early.

Get both healthcare and financial POA executed now, while your loved one can still legally participate. This is the most important protective step available to you.

"About two years before my dad died, he could no longer sign his name. We were sitting in a bank trying to handle paperwork, and the officer kept insisting he sign — even after I explained what was happening. Without POA already in place, I would have been powerless to act." — Lisa Morstad

At the end of his life, having POA gave me the legal authority to speak with his doctors and confirm treatment that matched his wishes. Stopping treatment was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But it was exactly what he wanted, and I could not have done it without that legal authority.

"My father-in-law was a funeral director who always encouraged people to make arrangements in advance. He had witnessed too many family fights over things left undiscussed. When the time came, I knew exactly what they wanted." — Lisa Morstad

Step-by-Step

Managing Bills & Financial Accounts

Protect your loved one's finances before a crisis happens.

I learned the hard way that you have to protect your loved one's finances before a crisis happens.

Doctor's Visits

Make sure you leave a doctor's office with the information your parent's health depends on.

Caregivers and Companions

Build your village. You will need them, and you will thank yourself later.

Build a roster of paid caregivers and companions. Vet them carefully, pay fairly, and use them proactively before the need becomes an emergency. Keep a list of these names in the Notes app in your phone for quick reference.

Facebook & Community with Other Families

Finding my people in the middle of an isolating experience.

When I visit, I make a point to say hello to other residents and take a picture to send along to their family. In return, it feels so great to hear from one of them while they are visiting and send a text. "I saw your mom today and she seemed happy" is enormously valuable when you can't be there every day.

Step-by-Step

• Introduce yourself at visits — you have an important journey in common
• Start a private Facebook group for the facility, invitation-only if you wish
• Share sparingly but genuinely: funny stories, hard days, questions
• Ask for what you need: "Has anyone dealt with sundowning?"
• Offer check-ins when you are there: "I'm visiting today; want me to pop in on their parent?"
• Share photos and stories from your visits with other families in the same facility

Long-Distance Care Coordination

Building a system that keeps everyone informed and involved — even from far away.

Supporting the Primary Caregiver from Afar

How to be a genuine partner — not a source of added stress — across any distance.

It is almost impossible to understand the daily emotions and weight of being the local kid and frequent caregiver. Out-of-town family is protected from the highs and lows of everyday events, the sudden emergency room visits, and the constant guilt of not being there while you are in the same town. You must give this person a break and the benefit of the doubt in decision making. Their sacrifice and commitment is immeasurable.

Managing Guilt & Grief as an Out-of-Town Caregiver

What to do with the helplessness, the distance, and the feeling that you should be there.

The Truth About Distance Grief

When you are not physically present, guilt may fill the gap. You feel guilty when you leave. You feel guilty when you're home living your life. You feel guilty when you miss a call. You feel guilty when a visit is hard and you are relieved to be going home.

This kind of grief — anticipatory, ongoing, felt from a distance — is not widely acknowledged. People around you may not understand why you are grieving someone who is still alive. The isolation of that experience compounds the loss.

Guilt is not evidence of failure. It is evidence of love under impossible conditions.

Strategies to Stay Connected from a Distance

• Strategy 21 — Video Calls & Remote Connection
• Strategy 8 — Flowers & Subscription Gifts
• Strategy 26 — Magazines & Reading
• Strategy 12 — Holidays & Birthdays
• Strategy 18 — Grocery & Pharmacy Delivery & Subscriptions
• Strategy 14 — Meals and Food at Home
• Strategy 15 — Photo Books & Family Albums
• Strategy 6 — Ring Camera & Jubilee TV for Remote Monitoring
• Strategy 17 — Activities with Children & Grandchildren

Step-by-Step

• Name it, don't suppress it — tell someone what it actually feels like. It loses some of its power when said aloud.
• Find community — online caregiver support groups exist specifically for long-distance caregivers
• Seek professional support — a therapist who specializes in caregiver stress or anticipatory grief
• Create rituals of connection — a weekly letter, a shared playlist, a photo album sent of recent pictures
• Reframe what showing up means — you are doing real caregiving from a distance

Ring Camera for Remote Monitoring

My eyes on my loved one when I cannot be there.

Install a Ring camera (or a similar device) in their living space. I position it so I can see their main living room area and use it for passive check-ins, to compare actual wellbeing with what's being reported, and to share a little peace of mind with family who live far away.

Video Calls & Remote Connection

Keeping far-away family connected when a cell phone call is no longer possible.

Phone Tips & Technology Workarounds

I've learned to adapt communication tools for a brain that can no longer manage cellphones.

The big thing is catching the problem before frustration and failure make them give up on communication altogether.

Emergency Room Kit

Because the ER will happen. Be prepared. A little proactive preparation changes everything.

I made up this kit now and keep it in my trunk at all times. It is a gamechanger every time I use it.

Flowers & Subscription Gifts

I love leaving visible proof I am thinking of them especially when they can't remember my last visit.

"I usually go to Sam's Club and pick up a beautiful bouquet — as little as $16 for a dozen roses. I write a card: 'We love you, Mom! Lisa, Laurie, and John.' It keeps us top of mind and is evidence of recent contact." — Lisa Morstad

Step-by-Step

• Buy flowers when you visit — Sam's Club, Costco, and Trader Joe's carry beautiful inexpensive bouquets
• Write a warm, specific card — include your name and the names of siblings or family
• Set up a remote delivery option if you live far away
• If you aren't in person, brief a companion to place them where your loved one can see them from their chair
• Include sibling names on the cards — it reinforces that many people love them

The Hairdresser / Barber

A standing appointment that does more than style hair.

Manicures and Pedicures

An activity that does double duty: connection and practical care.

Why This Works

Getting a manicure or pedicure takes care of two real needs at once: the simple pleasure of being pampered, and the practical need for regular nail care. My mom loves having pretty nails. She looks at them and knows she has been pampered.

The leg and hand massages relax her so much that she is ready to go back and take a nap when we're finished.

Making It Special

• Find the right salon — visit first without your loved one and explain the situation
• Book a slow time — mid-morning on a weekday is usually quieter
• Let them choose the color — this is one of the few real choices they can still make. I give her 2-3 options.
• Consider mobile manicurists if getting to a salon is too difficult
• Make it multigenerational when possible — bringing grandchildren creates a memory for the kids and pictures help keep this memory alive for your loved one
• I use Facebook to show mom pictures of friends and their children — she loves to scroll recent posts and it keeps her busy

"I've brought my niece, my daughter, and my grandmother for mani-pedi dates: three generations. One time my dad even went and had a pedicure. To my surprise, he loved it." — Lisa Morstad

Drives and Music

My brother John gets credit for this idea. It has unlocked hours of genuine happiness for us.

I sometimes take mom on drives to see the fall foliage or Christmas lights. She loves car rides and the combination of familiar music and beautiful scenery is genuinely fun for both of us. Use holiday music or soothing classical if you aren't sure of your parent's tastes. XM or Sirius radio have specific channels for each decade or genre of music. — Lisa Morstad

Holidays and Birthdays

I've learned that the biggest, most emotionally loaded days go better when I have a plan instead of winging it.

I plan smaller, simpler celebrations that center on my loved one. I build traditions around what they can still participate in and I give myself permission to skip what doesn't work.

Meals and Food at Home

I bring their favorite foods when the facility doesn't have them on the menu.

A bar of chocolate, a holiday treat tradition, or a birthday cake makes visits feel like events rather than obligations for both of us.

Step-by-Step

• Ask the facility what is permissible — some limit what you can bring due to other residents' allergies
• Build your treat list — your loved one's top 5-10 favorite foods — and keep it on your phone for ideas
• Make food part of the visit ritual often — arriving with their favorite food is an immediate mood-lifter
• Have a virtual picnic or get favorite foods delivered — if you live away, order the same for yourself and eat together on video call
• Use food to time and facilitate tricky tasks — food (ice cream) as an incentive is not manipulation, it's kindness. Mom moves faster when there is something she wants to do in the mix

Gardening and Plants

I use nature and scent to help bring back memories and give us both a little lift.

Creating Memories for the Rough Days Ahead

Making memories on purpose — for yourself as much as for them.

This Is For YOU

Once I could accept that my loved one wouldn't remember most of what happened, something shifted for me. I started doing things that would make me happy to have as memories after they were gone.

Puzzles with my dad. Watching basketball and football with him. Getting great snacks and a cold beer and sitting in front of the television. It feels almost normal.

Your loved one lives in the present moment in a way that is actually profound. They cannot worry about yesterday or tomorrow. When they are happy, they are entirely happy. Meet them there.

Step-by-Step

• Identify what you enjoyed doing together in the past, then find the version that still works at their current stage
• Schedule it like an appointment — a standing weekly or biweekly commitment
• Lower your standards for "success" — sitting quietly, watching TV together, sharing a snack is enough
• Take pictures of the ordinary moments and the difficult ones too
• Do it for yourself — making memories now is something you are doing for your future self

Activities with Children & Grandchildren

Making visits meaningful for young family members who don't always know what to say.

Bring an activity to every visit with children. Something to make, build, or do together. The activity takes the pressure off conversation and creates a memory the child will carry.

Photo Books & Family Albums

I use pictures to keep us connected and start conversations.

Grocery Delivery & Subscriptions

I hardly ever run out of essentials anymore and I stop those emergency store runs.

Holiday Cards and Getting Mail

One simple way I keep my loved one connected to the wider world.

Why It Works

My mom and dad had always sent a holiday letter and picture to about 100 family and friends around the country. The first year I took over, I used a picture of them having a good time at the lake and had it made into a holiday photo card. The result was a pile of holiday greeting cards from people they hadn't heard from in years. They were thrilled. Many old friends who reconnected have maintained contact since.

Step-by-Step

• Gather the address list — find any existing holiday card list, address book, or ask family members
• Create the card using a recent happy photo of them — I use Shutterfly, Minted, or Walgreens
• Make the assembly a visit activity — bring printed address labels, stamps, and the cards
• Manage returns and updates — the first year is the messiest but the list gets better every year
• Watch the incoming mail and collect cards to bring during visits — read them together and display the ones they love

Magazines and Reading

Keeping the joy of 'reading' alive, even when the words stop making sense.

Provide picture-heavy magazines and large-print publications that offer visual pleasure even when words no longer register. The browsing habit remains long after comprehension is gone.

Choose the Right Publications

For women: Better Homes and Gardens, Southern Living, Real Simple, gardening magazines, Oprah.

For men: Sports Illustrated, a local team magazine, National Geographic, or Time magazine. Hobby-specific magazines are great as well such as woodworking or fishing.

Set up a subscription. A new magazine arriving in the mail is genuinely exciting and a small surprise on an otherwise routine day.

How to Use Them

• Sit with them while they browse
• Use the magazine as a conversation starter: "What do you think of that kitchen?" The images prompt responses even when other conversation doesn't
• Keep a stack accessible — old issues work fine, they won't remember seeing them
• Rotate through a stack you collect over time and leave some on the coffee table for others to pick up and start a conversation

Hygiene and Personal Care

Preserving dignity when the basic routines of self-care become impossible.

I use muscle memory, familiar routines, and warm water to ease resistance. I bring in professional support where possible and I try to preserve dignity at every step.

Clothing and Dressing Simplified

Solving the daily battle of getting dressed and staying dressed.

Managing Incontinence & Plumbing Disasters

I learned to get ahead of this one before it turns into a bigger mess.

I introduce adult briefs early. Overnight use is a great starting point and an easy transition from regular underwear. I set up delivery subscriptions so we keep stock on hand. I also keep backup supplies at my own home.

The Door Wreath: A Visual Anchor for Home

A simple, visual anchor for finding home in a hallway where all the doors look the same.

I put a distinctive seasonal wreath on the door of my mom's room. It becomes her landmark. My mom can find her room on her own, point it out to others, and feel competent moving through her world. When she is coming back from other parts of the facility, she spots the wreath and says, "That's where I live!"

Disabled Parking Tag

The tag that makes every outing easier.

Get a disabled parking tag. It only takes one doctor visit and one DMV appointment. They will give you two tags if you ask. This is one of the fastest, easiest wins available to you.

The Information Card

A business card that helps turn strangers into allies, instantly.

I carry small printed cards that quietly explain that my loved one has Alzheimer's. I hand one to whoever needs context. Strangers become patient and kind the moment they understand.

Shopping Outings

How I turn a trip to Target into a meaningful, therapeutic outing.

My mom would sometimes wear the same clothes for days before she was in memory care. I hated seeing her in dirty clothes, and sometimes something new is just the trick for getting her to change. When I bring her something new, particularly something from her favorite store Chico's, she puts it on immediately and feels proud of herself.

I take her shopping as an outing and an event. You can use the cart as a walking aid. I let them browse at their own pace. Use it to address the very real challenge of keeping their wardrobe fresh and getting them into clean clothes. On a budget? Consignment and thrift stores work well too.

Ordering at Restaurants

How I make dining out enjoyable again — for everyone.

Driving and the Keys

Taking the keys feels like taking everything — here's how to navigate it.

The Financial Framing That Works

My dad was always very aware and protective of the resources he had worked hard to build and hoped to pass on. When I framed the conversation around financial and legal risk, it landed differently than arguments about safety.

We talked about how his diagnosis meant he could lose track of where he was, or be slower to react if someone pulled out in front of him. Even a short drive in town could put everything he had worked for at risk. It could leave my family facing a lawsuit that would devastate us financially. He understood and turned over the keys.

During the early stages, we used rideshare for a while to help with transportation while they still could identify where they lived and get themselves inside. Later, we would have a family member dedicated to pick them up and someone to take them home at the end of the night. Visiting family members can take the reins when they are here and give the locals a break!

Step-by-Step

• Have the conversation early — it is easier when their judgment is still partially intact
• Frame it around what they value: financial protection, family security, or avoiding a lawsuit
• Get the doctor involved — a medical recommendation carries weight that family recommendations don't
• Provide real alternatives — "I will take you anywhere, anytime" needs to be something you actually mean
• Remove the car from sight if needed — tell them it is being repaired and redirect when they ask more
• Make the doctor the "bad guy" by having them tell your parent they can no longer safely drive
• In rural areas without rideshare access, check with your local Area Agency on Aging for volunteer driver programs

Managing Confusion & Correcting Untruths

Do this when their reality doesn't match yours. Arguing or correcting only makes it worse.

Why Correcting Doesn't Work

With dementia, the brain region that stores new information is damaged. Explaining again does not work because the explanation cannot be stored. Meanwhile, frustration is visible to them and creates anxiety, which increases the very behavior you are trying to stop.

"When I finally understood that she really, genuinely did not remember — that changed everything." — Lisa Morstad

What Actually Works

• Validate the feeling, not the content: "I hear you. That sounds frustrating."
• Go along to get along — if the false belief is harmless, enjoy it rather than correcting it. Mom once told me that she was on a boat ride all day with friends!
• Write important information down — a note on the coffee table does what verbal explanation cannot
• Use a whiteboard — post ongoing reassurances, or reminders about appointments or visitors
• Redirect to activity — "Let's look at these photos" interrupts the loop
• A tool like Memory Board lets you send a message from anywhere and display it where they can see it (helpful when texting isn't an option)

Sleep, Wandering and Anxiety Management

Sundowning, wandering, and nighttime anxiety — fix this proactively as you both need sleep.

Caring for the Caregiver

You cannot pour from an empty cup. And this journey is a marathon, not a sprint.

A therapist once asked me a question that really hit home: "What would your dad have told you to do?" I knew immediately that he would want me to live my life and take good care of myself.

Front Row

A personal essay by Lisa